It’s been a few months since I wrote anything. I’ve had a thorn in my side that began the end of summer. It stayed and my birthday passed in October. It remained. I saw five doctors, three which are specialists, two without a clue. And no progress. Only myself wondering why was I in this pain, wondering if it will pass, will I get better, did I do this to myself, do I want to go on, but I want to see my daughter grow, I can’t leave my husband, he is my inspiration and sustained me, maybe God did a little too. But I kept waking up everyday and feeling the pain and knowing I was very much alive. I had never experienced physical pain that came from the inside, that hindered my thoughts, actions, sleep and had no name.
Have you ever had un-diagnosed pain? An everyday reminder of a thorn in your side?
It’s now January and I’m going to finish this post…! And I got a second opinion yesterday…with a doctor who is pursuing the source of the pain, not just medicating the symptoms. Thank God!
I hope to know more in a few weeks and begin the healing process. I have seen how weak I am in this process of pain. A friend of my family who wasn’t much older than me, too young to go, left this world a few weeks ago and through social media I saw his strength, his openness, his joy in the little things and a community created from an unbeatable cancer he fought for a few years. I don’t think anyone ‘loses the battle’ when they die of cancer. Everyone they know loses them. I can’t relate to cancer, treatments, daily pain in my entire body from medications, but I now know what a physical affliction is and I sympathize with anyone struggling. There is a loneliness that comes with sickness and even an anger. I grew bitter and even questioned God for not healing me. There were a few days in September I honestly didn’t want to go on and became so mad when I couldn’t get in to see a doctor, the people I had faith in…but I look back and have been sustained for FIVE months.
Basically, this was also my situation…trusting google for answers…
How do people go on for years?
‘In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
The Lord preserves those who are true to him‘
– Psalm 31:22-23a
I felt like David, cut off. I have felt like a wallowing lump, undeserving of any affliction, much less God’s mercy.
‘The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all’
As I wrote in my journal back in November, this pain is temporary, I will be delivered from and overcome by being a doer of the Word. Psalm 34 begins with blessing the Lord at all times…and then in verse 4… ‘I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.’ If we can’t do anything physically, we can still praise God…and He will deliver in some way or another. The fear must be reckoned with as it comes in the middle of the night or throughout the day when we are reminded of our diminishing body. It’s harder than anything in the world. It’s easier to trust God for salvation or money or food…I’m not sure why…but physical pain and healing? Unbelievable. And miraculous.
I’m trusting God is using my new doctor to help heal me. I’m trusting I went through the valley of the shadow of death for a reason. I’m almost through it and you can too.
Email me at email@example.com if you would like some further encouragement, or have a story to tell. I’d love to hear it. Sometimes sharing helps us through the hard times.